Divorce and the Blame Game

It is rare for one person to be totally responsible for the ending of a relationship. In the long run, it takes two to make or break a relationship. It is often the case that a man is not the initiator of the break-up; yet it is very easy to find the man blaming the other. Blaming takes attention away from the pain. It gives a sense of justice in what feels like an unjust situation. But blaming and complaining about former partners does not help recovery and can leave the man stuck in the past rather than looking at what he can do for himself and the children, now and into the future.

There is no set formula for a pathway for separation; what is certain is that there will some uncomfortable feelings and unfamiliar experiences. Men report experiencing the highs and lows that come with grief and loss and revisiting memories and feelings they thought they had left behind. Most men are challenged at the most basic level and that extends to their ability to talk to someone. We all want to tell our story and feel like we've been heard. Most men who seek this kind of support say that they found it helpful and wish they?d done it sooner!

Those who believe self-reliance is a superhuman quality may in fact find that withdrawing socially will limit the number of people they can talk to about the distressing events that have taken place. Without people around for support the man is likely to feel isolated and alone. The loss or lack of use of social networks increases the risk of prolonged depression, reliance on drugs and alcohol and even suicide.

Illness, divorce and its separation and depression have a common denominator. Apart from emotional and mental wellbeing, separation changes men and women at a deep body level. Stress levels and depression are highly counteractive to good health so it is incumbent on separated people to focus on maintaining health and well being. None of this is beyond the average person: we are talking about sensible diet - selecting and eating sensible food (fresh fruit and vegetables don't need much cooking); exercising in an enjoyable way - riding a bike, walking or jogging along a beach. This is a time of maximum risk of ill-health as resistance to illness and depression and anxiety-related disorders are affected. Men in particular need to be able to watch for signs of ill-health including stress, anxiety or depression and to be extremely vigilant with alcohol, drugs and smoking.

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